Every year around this time, websites, including ours, release top 10 lists telling you what horror movies they think you should watch around Halloween. This year though, in addition to those lists, we wanted to bring you something unique, something we haven’t done before. We want to bring you a list of horror movies not to watch. We’re only going to go back to the beginning of 2011 with these flicks, but we want to make sure you get the most out of your Halloween Horror Movie Marathons this year, and avoid some of these turkeys. The list is in no particular order, just avoid all of these if you can.
As with all of the lists on this site, this is the opinion of the writer. We know you’re going to disagree with some things on this list, but that’s just the way it goes. If you do disagree with the list, tell us your thoughts in the comments.
Quarantine 2 – The Sequel to Quarantine, which was almost a shot for shot remake of the Spanish movie [REC]. In this installment the virus that turned the apartment dwellers in “Quarantine” into zombies has now been exposed to an entire plane full of people. Most of the movie takes place in the locked down airport, which proves to be quite boring. I actually didn’t think “Quarantine” was that bad, but obviously [REC] is a much better flick, so if you really need to get your fill of “Quarantine” just watch the first one again.
Fright Night – The Colin Farrell remake is not that great, however out of all the movies on this list, I would say this may be the most watchable, but I would still skip it. A new neighbor moves in who turns out to be a vampire and naturally the only one who notices is the kid next door. It’s not scary and the kid annoys me. The girl in the flick is pretty cute so that helps, but it’s really not worth your time, just look up pictures of her on the internet.
Vanishing on 7th Street – I really wanted to like this, but there is absolutely no pay off in the end and it’s literally just people being afraid of shadows. It’s the movie I would have made when I was 5, but if I made a movie about my shadow being out to get me, when I was 5, then I would have been called a genius and probably making movies instead of just writing about them.
Piranha 3DD – If I had to choose the top 3 worst movies from this whole list, this movie would definitely be up there. The fun that came with Alexander Aja’s Piranha remake a couple years ago has gone out the window in this ridiculously stupid, and pointless, sequel. I mean, Paul Scheer was back in this one even though it was apparent that he died in the first one. And to top that off, Ving Rhames is back with no legs… or, I guess eventually, a shot gun for a leg. It was just a terrible movie. The acting is terrible, the directing is terrible, the writing is terrible and the Hoff is terrible. Hands down, top 3 worst horror movies of the last few years. I wouldn’t even watch the trailer.
Chernobyl Diaries – Oren Peli was on a roll with the Paranormal Activity movies, but when he decided to branch out and write and produce this bumbling mess, he jumped the shark. It was sort of suspenseful for a little while, but once it became a deformed creature movie it lost me. I don’t know what else I was expecting, I mean, they are in Chernobyl so obviously it’s going to be radioactive creatures. I guess I just expected more, especially because of the fact that you never really see any of the creatures come out of the shadows. They literally could have been wearing Sloth masks and running around in the dark for all we know. I did enjoy the non-happy ending, but it was pretty apparent what was going to happen about 10 minutes into the flick.
Area 407 – A plane crashes on government land, but when help doesn’t come, the surviving passengers begin to suspect there might be a reason… That reason? DINOSAURS!! Yup, the government is secretly creating Jurassic Park for their own amusement and has managed to somehow keep giant reptiles a secret from absolutely everyone in the world. Oh, and it’s all filmed POV style through the camera of a 13 year old girl. You’ve probably never heard of this one, which isn’t a bad thing. Don’t seek it out, I know the premise sounds cool, but it’s actually quite boring.
Silent House – Another remake makes the list, this time it’s the US remake of “The Silent House” Or “La Casa Muda”. The schtick with this one is that it’s directed to look like it’s one continuous shot for the full 90 or so minutes. Obviously there are just some creative cuts made when the camera pans to black and things of that nature, but that was the most interesting part of the flick. It’s weird too because I actually liked the original Spanish version, it seemed to create a suspenseful atmosphere more successfully than this US remake. Basically a girl and her father are cleaning out their old house as they get ready to sell it. The house is out in the wood somewhere and pretty secluded and run down. While the girl is in her room cleaning, her father goes into the other room, never to be heard from again… oooo, spooky. The house has been locked shut and she can’t escape, then she starts hearing noises… Not the worst movie on the list, but I’d suggest checking out the Spanish version instead.
The Darkest Hour – Another top 3 contender, which makes me sad because I actually really like Emile Hirsch. While in Europe trying to sell their Social Media application, aliens made up of electricity start descending on Earth turning people into clouds of ash. All I could think of while watching this movie was the electricity gremlin fro Gremlins 2, except in Gremlins 2 he actually has kind of a personality where as these aliens are basically invisible. Hirsch and company are basically running from invisible, electric aliens the whole time. The special effects used when the aliens disintegrate someone is pretty cool, but the fact that you don’t see the aliens at all seemed like a cop out.
The Thing – Of the top 3, this would be number 1, hands down. I’m not talking about John Carpenter’s version, as that flick is actually my favorite horror movie of all time, I’m talking about the shitty prequel/remake that came out last year. It’s supposed to show us what happened to the Norwegian expedition that the crew in John Carpenter’s version, found, but it’s basically just the exact same story. Not to mention the CGI is some of the worst CGI I’ve seen in recent memory, next to Wolverine’s claws in the Wolverine movie. Please don’t waste your time with this one, just do yourself a favor and pretend this doesn’t exist and go watch the 1982 version instead. I know it was 30 years ago, but it still holds up today and is way more interesting and suspenseful than this pile of crap.
Apollo 18 – The lost footage of a secret trip to the moon ends with rocks killing all the astronauts … That should be the plot of this flick. I really enjoy found footage movies and was really looking forward to this one, but it fell short in every possible way. There’s no real suspense, it’s not that scary, and it’s not worth watching. Maybe this is the exact reason why we haven’t been back to the moon since 1976.